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Jack Davenport

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[07 Apr 2006|11:23am]
I am bored out of my mind.

According to my sources, the monkey man was last seen fleeing from Geneva, not-wife in tow, and since then no one has seen hide nor tail of the man. Of course you are wondering what sort of depravities he was involved in this time; I am, too. But like the rapscallion fork-tongued slooth, he only ventures out of his hiding place every few months to feed on the blood of newborn babes (careful, Tom).

So.

Since Depp has decided not to bless us with his presence, I am in need of something else to Hate.

Any and all suggestions are welcome, whether it be regarding the state of the global economy or not getting enough coffee for the day.

Anonymity is also welcome. In fact, I rather you did remain anonymous so that I may not have to disguise my look of disdain the next time I see you when you inform me that good hygiene ought to be frowned upon.
94 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2006|01:02pm]
*Four hours after this event*


*knocks on door*

Will? Are you awake?


...


I'm going out for - well - food. As I'm fairly certain the table legs aren't edible. um,

was there anything in particular you'd like for breakfast?
209 comments|post comment

[28 Mar 2006|11:43pm]
*looks around in horror after hanging up the phone

*Note to self: invest in a maid, invest in a maid, invest in a maid!*

*dashes from one end of the room to the other, picking up clothes, shoes, empty bottles, various pieces of unfinished poetry; stuffs everything into the cupboard*

*breathes*

*scans for errant socks, eyes wild*
52 comments|post comment

[08 Mar 2006|11:37am]
[A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT TO THE GENERAL COMMUNITY]


If certain people wish to visit the zoo from time to time, certain people should first take care to have necessary precautions secured before the journey. Keeping such precautions in mind at all times should effectively minimise the chance of accidents occurring. For example, when offering smuggled-in candy to one of the chimpanzees (whilst standing by a very large sign that plainly reads 'Please Do Not Feed The Animals'), one should never expose said candy in plain sight of a passing zoo keeper. Such unfortunate incidences may cause undesired inconvenience for the giver, as well as stress for all parties involved (chimpanzee included).

And be sure to bring your umbrella in the event of a storm.
19 comments|post comment

No one is to bother me. [01 Mar 2006|11:11am]
I hate the world today.


I'm going back to bed.
47 comments|post comment

[01 Feb 2006|09:31pm]
.....DOING??
96 comments|post comment

[07 Jan 2006|12:54am]
*stumbles sleepily out of be-*

*gently removes Will's hand from waist*

*stumbles sleepily out of bed*

*putters downstairs, bangs into closed door*

*stares at door indignantly for a moment*

*yawns (too tired to hit back), opens door, heads into kitchen*

*stomach growls*

*opens cupboard, searching for something to eat*

*stomach wrinkles metaphorical nose at large jar of pickled panda*

*pushes jar aside, hands grab onto familiar looking box, when--*

WILL!!!
57 comments|post comment

[21 Dec 2005|12:35pm]
Right then.

To those of you who are keeping score, you can now add northerly winds to the list of people/animals/cosmic entities who are all working to do me in.

I was taking my afternoon walk, as I usually do - never you mind what for! - down a generally quiet area of the neighbourhood when this blasted piece of parchment comes flying out of nowhere, hits me smack in the face and causes me to momentarily lose my equilibrium with the ground. Well, seeing as I had now become 100% visually impaired by the cowardly paper assault, I stumbled off the pavement and straight inline with a bicycle wagon that was heading in my direction. A speeding bicycle wagon carrying a wagon-full of melons. It was only due to my agile mind and quick fox-like reflexes that I was able to pry the parchment off my face and spring out of the way, thus narrowly escaping my almost certain death. I could have been squashed. I could have been squashed by melons!

Afternoon walks are supposed to be relaxing. Afternoon walks are not supposed to involve harrowing dangers or superhuman feats of strength. It was then and there that I made up my mind: I would quit this silly walk business once and for all and get myself a riding lawn mower. Hm, day not totally ruined then. At least I got a revelation out of the incident.

And that was when I remembered the crumpled up parchment in my hand and looked down.

DEAR GOD.

<td>Image hosted by Photobucket.com</td> <td>I honestly have no idea how I'm anybody, and am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.</td>


Then I was momentarily blinded again.

...and yet. Something vaguely familiar about it. Gaudy, emo, brutally honest if not pathetically so; with a hint of je ne sais quoi about it.

Don't worry. I will get to the bottom of this je ne sais quoi. I'm rounding up the usual suspects as we speak.

And when I find this person, I think it fair to say that a spot of violence wouldn't be out of order.
102 comments|post comment

Attention: Vanessa Paradis [17 Dec 2005|04:20pm]
Let us pray another incident like this does not happen again.

If you are in need of a new reinforced steel cage, please do not hesitate to ask for assistance. I know where one may be acquired with free electric zapper and rush delivery.

I have a coupon that's about to expire.
26 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2005|01:24pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
J.A.C.K.
JUSTIFIABLY ANTAGONISTIC
AND CARRYING KNIFE
50 comments|post comment

[24 Nov 2005|03:08pm]
I have taken to wearing a black veil today.

To mourn the loss of the colonies.


Everyone leave me alone.
31 comments|post comment

[24 Oct 2005|07:34pm]
A thought occurred to me as I was busy refilling all the Coca-Cola bottles with Pepsi's far more superior elixir:

Depp prefers the company of tiny stick-women because they are the only type of people who can stand next to him and not make him feel like an ten-inch organ grinder's monkey.

Don't know what he's so afraid of, as he is clearly nothing like an organ grinder's monkey. OGM's are cute and entertaining and can help you steal pocket change from unsuspecting passersby.

Depp is just a poseur.


Do with this information what you will.
65 comments|post comment

The Truth [11 Oct 2005|06:32pm]
Will-

Remember that slight memory problem you were experiencing?

I'm sure you'll be happy to learn that previous harrowing events have begun to return to my mind forthwith. I can now state with a clear conscience that the past you recently recounted to me was nothing short of complete, utter fabrication.

Why should I be so certain?

Well a number of things, in addition, come to mind:

A) No one in their right mind would fling themselves at you (present company excluded, of course), and I certainly am not the type to approach unscrupulous-looking strangers.

B) Least of all a stewardess, who is required to adhere to . . . whatever professional protocol they adhere to.

C) I would never allow myself to get drunk in front of shady strangers, you ought to be familiar with my paranoia by now.

D) As they say: "Read it and weep."


The True Course of EventsCollapse )
34 comments|post comment

[25 Sep 2005|06:14pm]
*monotonously*

Subject still under investigation.

I slept on the couch last night, 'slept' being held in the loosest of connotations. It was mostly just lying there and contemplating the various and unanswerable questions floating in my head, feeling as if I was missing something very important: a DAT tape, a file hidden in some underground database, something. And if I could only manage to find this elusive, indefinable 'something', I would be one step closer to uncovering the Truth.

Otherwise, night proved uneventful. No flukeworms, homicidal inbreds, no slaughtered cattle in purple goo. The only paranormal activity revolved around Ferrell's highly questionable alliance with Depp (note: check the shower and water supply tonight). If either persons come near me reeking of Morleys, I may go mad.

Have also developed a penchant for Chinese takeout and sunflower seeds. And sleeping on couches. And getting bad haircuts. And hating my given name. And preferring everyone call me Davenport.

And taking petite redheads with pouty lips and ice queen personalities for granted.


Investigation moving forward with possible new lead:

While rummaging in Ferrell's cabinet for an extra bag of sunflower seeds, discovered secret compartment. Was rewarded with a series of blank tapes, no labels save for the numbers marking their order of viewership. Debated whether or not to watch.

Top secret tapings of syndicate meetings which could contain valuable information on the recent string of alien abductions and experimentations on human test subjects? Or porn.

A dilemma.


I may also need more sleep.
145 comments|post comment

[17 Sep 2005|11:37am]
[ mood | orange ]

[A Continuation from my "fight" with Scarborough]

*orange face. orange palms. cigarette ashes in hair and clothes. specks of red wine arranged decoratively down shirtfront.*


*slips key in lock. opens door slowly and silently*

*calculates: okay, the bath is next to the bedroom, which (damn, Will) is the room farthest from the front door. this means it will take me no less than thirty seconds to get to it if I walk quietly. And remember, Jack, to avoid the creaky floorboard by the kitchen.*

*walks inside*

145 comments|post comment

[09 Sep 2005|05:33pm]
Something is wrong with quizzes that always predict the physically impossible.

Read more...Collapse )
77 comments|post comment

[06 Sep 2005|12:16am]
[ mood | enraged ]

*PRIMAL SCREAM*

LiveJournal Username
Age
Favorite ice cream
Favorite season
Thinks you're ass is tight:jdepp_holy_one
Wants to lick hot chocolate off you're body:tropnevad
Wonders how good you are in bed:wtfmod
Wishes you would screw him/her on the spot:crackhead_no_1
Is romatically in love with you:jdepp_holy_one
Wishes you were gay so he/she could love you better:crackhead_no_1
Hopes you'll take him/her to great heights (wink wink nudge nudge):bale_of_hay
Day dreams about having sex with you 24/7:angelina_ho_lee
This Fun Quiz created by Molly at BlogQuiz.Net
Free ringtones and wallpapers! Click here!

80 comments|post comment

[02 Sep 2005|12:59am]
*mutters* Nobody gets to call him Gorilla but ME.
22 comments|post comment

[31 Aug 2005|07:06pm]
[One Hour Before Gwyn's Dinner]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.



*hiccup*

That felt good.
2 comments|post comment

[22 Aug 2005|04:55pm]
Packs up bags.

Puts up CLOSED FOR BUSINESS sign.

Moves to Tahiti.


(or at least into the nearest cupboard)
37 comments|post comment

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